FOSTER CARE AS AN ADULT

My friend, I’ll call her Rhythm and Blues, wrote this marvelous work that the world needs to see.

Do you know? When will you know?

My historical trauma.

When will you stop saying, “oh I’m sure you don’t want to talk about that.”

Or “I’m sorry I asked” when we are talking about childhood. 

If you are sorry about talking about my childhood, who can I tell? 

When will we be equal human beings?

When will I stop having to wear abuse like a college degree that has no value

Assigning me a place in life that I didn’t strive for

I dreamt of being a princess, a scientist, a doctor. 

Everyone told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I am here

A female professional who can not answer the question honestly,

Without seeing shame in your eyes 

“where did you grow up?” Or “where did you go to school?”

I make up stories 

Stories that won’t cause people to say “oh I am sorry” 

Or stories that I want them to ask “oh, do you mind if I ask…”

They open up and ask “how did it affect you and what was the worst place you lived”

Because those are the questions you have been trying to sort out for years.

Questions you need people to talk to you about

That is the work you do

every relationship you have

Every memory you try to tame

Every countertransference you slice apart with a knife that has been burning in your soul for years ready to be sharp enough for this time in your life.

These are the questions you want to answer now

Full of wisdom and bravery

But your words are cut short by the dragon of sympathy.

You want to shout, out loud, with the pride of survival on top of a mountain.

These stories you have lived through the pain you have seen and felt. 

But the sympathy you so craved when you were 9 years old and trying to shout out to the world that you were being physically hurt. 

This sympathy has aged and now the sagging wrinkles only slow you down. 

The sympathy reaches out and puts a quiet hand over your mouth. 

It’s oddly gentle but oppresses deep the true being that you want to show the world. 

The muscled champion that slays monsters. 

The gentle sympathy says “wow, That is so sad”

and changes the subject to something that they feel will lift you up. 

Something they think will make you stronger.

Published by hannahtk

Hannah is a footloose Jesus-girl who enjoys family and friends, writing, painting, calligraphy, speaking and teaching, reading, cooking, gardening... She runs an adult foster home in Gaston, OR.

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